Tuesday, January 20, 2009

This Just In: Mayor of Pittsburgh Bans Use of Word "Card"

With his beloved Steelers in the Super Bowl against the Arizona Cardinals, the Mayor of Pittsburgh, Luke Ravenstahl, who changed his name to Stellerstahl when the Steelers played the Ravens last week, has now banned the words "cardinal" and "card" from being used in Pittburgh and has instructed residents to replace these words with "steeler" and "steel."

"For the next two weeks, this city is Steeler Town, baby!" the mayor told reporters. "I hereby ban all allusions to red fowl. I have instructed city police and citizenry to enforce this steeler-only rule." He continued, "Hear me now. Until we win this game, you could call my latest law the 'steeler rule.'" Ravenstahl then added, "Get it? Steeler rule. Get it?"

Elementry school children have already begun using "flashsteels," tourist shops are selling "post steels," bartenders have taken to "steeling" potential underage drinkers, and the local Catholic diocese has begun referring to members of church hierarchy as "steelers."

Members of the steel workers union quickly forced management to change their timecards to read, "timesteels." Union boss Don Delong put it this way: "They accuse us of stealing from them every time we take a break, so they were happy to make the change."

Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin told reporters, "that Arizona team thinks they can beat us? I'll go on record right now and say, an Arizona victory is not in the steels. We are going to go Obama on their sorry McCain a**es. We got to the Super Bowl with grit and hard work. They made it with smoke and mirrors. They're living in a house of steels and we're going to knock it down."

Local heart patients were not amused. Larry Mahler, a patient at St. Luke's Medical Center, grumble, "I'm scheduled for a steeliogram this afternoon. What if my steeliologist doesn't know about the new law yet? What if, God forbid, the unthinkable happens and my nurse screams out 'He's going into steeliac arrest!' and nobody understands?"

Long-time Pittsburgh resident and fortune teller Bill Balinski is suing the city for violating his free speech. At issue is the large neon sign affixed to Balinsky's Grant St. store. Balinski maintains that, "The cost of changing the sign to 'Steels read here' should be assumed by the city. Neon don't come cheap."

1 comment:

Corry Cropper said...

Jane asks if the spice cardamom is now referred to as steelamom.

I'd have to say yes.